Dear R, T, S, and L,
A couple of months ago I was asked by one of you to take down this site. I hope that person knows that I understand why it was requested of me. I put myself in your shoes and can see your perspective. I gave the matter a lot of thought. The fact that I’m writing this letter shows my decision; here are some reasons behind it.
I began this blog over a year ago, when you all adamantly declared you didn’t want to hear from me. This provided a means to stay in touch, but in a way that was voluntary for you. It’s decidedly one-sided. You don’t have to read it; it won’t appear in your inbox or as a message on your phone. To read these words, you’ll have to navigate here yourself. And I will have no idea whether you have or not. That’s another reason it’s presented as it is. Had I made it private, each of you would have needed a wordpress account to access it; in that case, I would know if you had been here. I was sure you didn’t want that. This way, should you choose, you can read anything in perfect anonymity. The stats show me only this: if it’s been viewed on any given day, how many times, what country the visitor is from, and if a search engine was used to find the page. That’s it. No names, no addresses, no identifiers of any kind. Knowing that the blog is public, I consciously chose to use initials rather than names, and I strive to limit identifying details like cities and schools. I haven’t reread every entry, so I suppose it’s possible I’ve slipped here or there, although I make every attempt to catch those things before I post.
Another factor in my decision to leave the site up is the future. I might risk your ire now, but someday you may want to read what’s here. You haven’t wanted contact in the past, but someday that might change and this could be a way to bridge the gap.
For all I know you agree unanimously that this site offends you, but I have to consider the possibility that what is true for some isn’t necessarily true for all. Somebody might want to know it’s here, for when they’re ready.
Last but not least, this is me being available in the only way I see as possible right now (besides birthdays and christmas). I have to do this, for me if not for you. I have to do every reasonable thing I can to show you I am always here, always waiting, always loving you, no matter what. I’d prefer that you were in my life, but this is how things stand right now and writing these entries is one way I have to remind you the door is always open.
I have no idea if these entries have made a difference to you. But I always hope. Perhaps that’s the most important reason that I’m still writing.